Joshua

It had been days, a week definitely more of the same day repeating. After the first failed attempt, Joshua had tried several other strategies. None had been successful. And after his own death, the day would start again with him standing in that hallway where he should have gone to gather the medical staff so Anna could intimidate them. He was beginning to think that no matter what he did, the day would start over. That he and Cam would be stuck in this never-ending cycle of hell that had once been his life forever.

On one day, several attempts into the cycle of repeating, Joshua had been so frustrated that he had gone directly back to Anna and confessed. Unsurprisingly, his punishment had been to be skinned alive. It had been an excruciating experience. Almost worse than the pain was looking into the empty eyes of the V who inflicted the pain without feeling any emotions.

He had been skinned now more times than he ever wanted to remember. Once had been more than enough, but it hadn't been the end.

Early on in the cycle, he had allowed the day to proceed and tried to beat David to stepping out in front of Anna. He had to stop anyone else from dying for him or with him. That day had ended with David being assigned the one to skin Joshua alive and Camille being assigned as an assistant. Only she and Joshua seemed to retain any memories from the previous attempt, but it was coincidences like those that made him wonder. There had just been something about David's attitude that made Anna suspect him. However, instead of skinning him, David had given Joshua an immolation pill as he took one himself. They had died, burning alive and turning into ash after announcing "Long live the Fifth Column."

He had spent a day answering Camille's questions and brainstorming possible plans. They'd hid out for as long as they could, but eventually they were found.

There had been a few days where they tried to steal a shuttle, but every time, no matter when or how they stole it, they were always shot down or stopped before they even got away. They had tried several times to leave the ship as they had tried on the first day with the same ending every time: they were discovered. It wasn't always a guard that recognized them. Sometimes one of the medical staff would call out for one of them.

He was so exhausted, mentally and physically. It wasn't an entire day so he couldn't think of something in his quarters. It always started right after Anna dismissed them after telling them to gather the medical staff again. With David jogging to catch up to Joshua. And it always ended with one or both or all of them dead.

His body ached from the memory of injuries to come.

"You have to get off the ship," David said to Joshua as he caught up with him.

"I'm not running," Joshua said, letting the exhaustion he felt into his voice.

"You're too important. The Column needs you," David continued in the same way he always said it. He walked ahead of Joshua again so as not to draw suspicious eyes to their conversation.

"You'll carry on and so will the others," Joshua replied, repeating the words he was expected to say, but putting very little effort into it.

"No, you cannot be sacrificed," David countered. "No matter what." Turning to face Joshua and point a finger at him to emphasize the faith he had in his own belief of Joshua's importance, David continued "I won't let it happen." David turned quickly and was halfway down the hallway by the time Joshua looked up. His eyes darted around to find Camille. Though he knew he needed to hurry, he was tired of this repetition and the feeling that it would never end.

The announcement had found Joshua in his hut in New Atlantis. It was nearly a week back and things were starting to feel ... Not quite normal. Normal was life on the Mother Ship and had been actually very uncomfortable especially with the emotions that had come with all of his memories. No, things were actually starting to feel relaxed. Just a tiny bit. Certainly not to the point of Joshua kicking back with a sugary drink with a tiny umbrella, feet up, soaking in the sun and living a vacation life. He might never get to that point. But he was starting to feel more like himself. The self from his memories who felt emotions and was free from Anna.

Nearly a week and it was still so difficult to shake that feeling that she was watching or that worry that she might discover his secret. Nearly a week and he was just now starting to feel safe. And maybe safe was going to too far. He was mostly feeling anonymous. Lost in the crowd. He might disappear at any moment. Or one of Anna's soldiers could turn up and have it out for him. But, he had the upper hand. And while he might still meet his fate on Tabula Rasa, he would go down fighting.

So the announcement about angels--a threat that wasn't Anna--snapped him out of that circle of thinking. The truth was that he needed something to do. He needed to focus on something other than his own situation. It had helped when he was Fifth Column and even the last time he was on Tabula Rasa. He needed to get busy living again. Sitting around waiting for something to happen was a terrible plan.

He'd left his hut to best hear what the Doctor was saying. Joshua wondered for a moment which doctor and if he knew him from his previous time. Weeping angels and don't blink. It didn't make sense, but that was the nature of the island. Feeling the same sense of duty he had often felt on the island, he headed to the main clinic. If there was a threat, there was the possibility of injuries. And at the very least, perhaps he could speak with someone about starting back up a rotation.

***

Saturday at the clinic had been fairly quiet despite the threat of weeping angels, but it had been an excellent reminder to Joshua. He was Chief Medical Officer back home for a reason. And while he had done horrible things under Anna, it was where his passion lay. By Sunday morning, he'd made up his mind to officially sign up again for clinic hours.

As he headed in the direction of the compound, he noticed a lightly colored object about the size of a person that he didn't remember being there before. He took his eyes off of it for a moment as he continued down the path. When he looked back in its direction, he swore it was closer than it had been. He could make out wings and arms. His brow furrrowed and he looked away and around the path to see if anyone else had noticed the object--what appeared to be an angel statue as he got closer. He was alone on the path. Returning his gaze back to the statue, he stopped in his tracks and stood up straighter to get a better look. It had definitely moved, but that was crazy. And yet, it seemed to be reaching toward him with a menacing look on its face.

He wasn't sure how long he had been staring at the statue before he realized what he had been doing. Something about the eyes. They were irresistable. He hadn't wanted to look away from them. When he blinked again, the angel statue was gone. But he had an odd, unsettled feeling which he couldn't quite place or shake. Recalling the message which had prompted him to arrive in the clinic yesterday, he wondered if that statue had been the angels from the warning. He'd expected something more mobile. Something more menacing or more obviously ominous.

Finally shaking off the unsettled feeling he had, he continued to the Compound clinic. "Hello?" he asked. "Anyone working today?"

To most of the men, and probably some of the women, on the island, what Joshua is doing -- walking away from a half naked woman who had just kissed him and on multiple occasions expressed a desire for him, if only to kiss him in order to have breakfast -- is unthinkable, unimaginable. For most, and Joshua isn't immune to his new hormones as much as he ignores them, the hint of sex would have them locking the doors, closing the curtains and spending the rest of the hurricane between the sheets. It isn't that she's unattractive. Though perhaps that is why he's leaving (because her attractiveness is undeniable) now that she's back to her normal self and the responsibility to avoid her passes while she'd been reeling from pain medication has been lifted. While he's not kicking her out and pointing her home, the temptation is too great to stay there with her in his bedroom.

At some point, he'd made a choice between the two women, who oddly enough, both resemble people he knows back home. On the one hand, there's Juliet who is sweet and patient, blond-haired, blue eyed and an avid reader. On the other hand, there's Carolyn who is stubborn but fair, raven-haired, dark eyed and also an avid reader. Joshua is a doctor, but also a scientist and as such, he values logic and reasoning. He's not a Vulcan, being especially dissimilar now that he's inhabiting a real human body, but he tries his best to be led by thought rather than emotion. And there's a logic to his choice, an undeniable logic, that has him pushing aside those hormones that would willing, easily, lie down with Juliet. Forever if she'd have him. However, he didn't come to Tabula Rasa to trade bliss for sex, even if the sex would be well meaning and not, wholly, manipulative. He didn't come to Tabula Rasa for any relationship, (nor does he truly believe there is any reason for why he's on the island), but he's willing to try it so long as it doesn't interfere with the purpose he's given to his time there: to serve the island and attempt to redeem himself from a lifetime of servitude to Anna.

And this purpose he's given himself, it isn't motivated by logic solely, there's an element of guilt, an emotion, and he's aware of it, but he can't move past it. And that's part of why he's always pushing Juliet away. Until he learns to deal with the guilt, everything she does seems to be an attempt at brushing away the guilt, telling him that she believes in him and there's no need to feel this guilt, even telling him that he's human now. While she means well, none of it absolves him and brushing away guilt over killing so many, including his own friends, is wrong, wrong to his very core. And he ends up rejecting her as vehemently as he rejects what she's telling him. If that weren't enough, she's also remembering things that she has no memory of doing. While he doesn't let on, this is mildly disturbing to him and most definitely not what he needs should he decide to pursue a relationship.

So his choice is clear. He chooses Carolyn. Perhaps his choice had been clear from day one when he arrived and found himself following her to New Atlantis and moving into the empty hut next to hers. Maybe that's how Juliet had felt about him--a bond from the start. The only real negative has been that she's so stubborn, sometimes vehemently so, yet even this negative has turned into a positive in the past and Joshua doesn't need -- doesn't want -- someone who won't stand up to him or anyone else. He's doesn't need someone to tell him what he wants to hear. He needs the truth. She is disturbed by his past, as he would expect her to be, yet she happens to have some past experience with his situation, having a friend back home who had served an evil power only to later liberate his people. While Joshua had no such aspirations, his goal being to save humanity not his people, it gives her a basis of understanding in order to try to help him, if she can. It's a friendship based on trust, open communication and an interest in the other. And it's in the vein of open communication as well as an interest in spending more time with her that he crosses the distance between their huts and knocks on her door.

He had kissed Carolyn. And it was true that he hadn't thought about Juliet when he'd done. To be fair, though, he hadn't been thinking at all at the time. It had been an impulse. Of course, the conversation afterward hadn't been an impulse, but there hadn't been any real commitments made except to see how things might go.

After he'd made sure that Carolyn had arrived at home safely, stitches still in tact, he'd gone to check on the neighbors, starting with Juliet. Standing on her porch, waiting, hoping that she'd answer the door, is when he realizes just what complications he's added to his life. So much for 'Give me space, I need to figure things out.'

He doesn't know what he'll say about what happened, but right now, he's there to check on her.

Continued from the Scrapyard Bomb Post

Joshua isn't sure how he gets her back to the compound clinic. Maybe it hadn't been as far as he'd thought. Adrenaline may have a lot to do with it. And perhaps all of the daily walking about Tabula Rasa had put him in even better shape than he had been with all the walking on the Mother Ship. Whatever it is, he makes it back to the clinic with Carolyn. He'd resorted to carrying her not shortly after their journey began. He'll definitely be sore tomorrow, but for now, there's still patching to do.

He sets down on one of the beds and gets to work, gathering equipment. As usual when there's work to be done, he's quiet and focused on the task.

It's easy when it's raining non stop and people are switching bodies and there's people showing up in Dinosaur Territory and then you're lying in bed sick dreaming about something that never happened to get it into your head that this is a crazy place where only craziness happens and no happiness can exist.

But you'd be wrong if you thought that.  Joshua finds Tabula Rasa to be an overall normal place, if not a little boring compared to his previous life.  Sure, there are some things that are downright freaky, but then there were things like that happening every day on the Mother Ship half of them perpetrated by his own hand or under his own orders.

Still, days like this one are much more the norm than the exception.  Days spent walking along the beach or swimming in the ocean.  Quiet days with plenty of time for reflection and contemplation.  Or, as some people are more inclined, time to run from their pasts by filling their days with other things.  And maybe he's doing a little of both, but he figures there's no real way to run from your past here and there's no way to avoid quiet contemplation.  Even with a day filled with activities and other people and responsibilities.  The past has a way of catching up with you.

So do made up pasts that never actually happened except in a dream.  The thought is a bit overwhelming for Joshua.  He's still a little annoyed by the idea that the island would need to push them together in such a way, but what's done is done.  And today's agenda is to have a normal day at the beach with Juliet.  He's come prepared with supplies from the box:  towels, a blanket and swimwear (for himself).  Snacks and water from the kitchen and even a large umbrella.

He'd spent Friday soaking wet, running from dinosaurs, shirtless and sockless for at least half of the time.  By Monday, his cold is in full bloom.  He's feeling particularly cranky, achy, tired and just all over bad.  The rain has quit, but he's too busy lying in bed, trying not to feel too sorry for himself to enjoy it.  The fact that Carolyn has a broken leg only gives him more of an excuse not to get out of bed.

The trouble with lying in bed is that it seems to amplify the terrible he's feeling.  His head is throbbing.  His fever gives him chills, but soon enough he's burning up and kicking the sheets off again.  His body is aching all over and he just wants to get up, but getting up makes the room spin.  And he realizes just how tired he is which leads to lying back down again.  Then the shivering starts and he's pulling the sheets over himself again.  Not to mention his inability to breathe through all of the sinus drainage.  It's like a constant flow which replaced the rain.

In the back of his mind, he realizes there are clinical reasons for everything happening to him.  He's made a medical diagnosis.  But it's one thing to know what's wrong and actually being the one with the symptoms.  Walking up to the compound is a vague thought in the back of his mind.  So is moving into the crash room or some other empty room in the event that the rain picks back up.  Just until this cold is gone.  Thinking those thoughts is all well good, but his body has no motivation to actually move in that direction.  No, it's very happy where it is.  Except for the fact that it's too hot under the covers.  Which he kicks off again.

He'd laugh at it if he had a sense of humor at the moment.  He's handle everything that's been thrown at him so far with dignity and aplomb.  From sacrificing his life for Erica to losing his body, to people switching bodies all over the place, to meeting two people who look exactly like friends from home; one of which appeared in his home, to being stranded in Dinosaur Territory and having to give up the very shirt on his back.  But what gets him?  A simple cold.

Old habits are hard to break. Despite having had a long night giving the 'Welcome to the Island' speech, Joshua wakes up as the island shifts from night sounds to day sounds. Some birds defy the rain and sing while the frogs retire to hidden places. It's quiet in the hut apart from the rain, but it would be if Juliet is reading. He stretches and gets out of bed. The floor boards creak quietly as he walks to the bedroom door. He opens it to check on her and finds that she has fallen asleep. He shakes his head as he closes the door again quietly. There had been a reason he'd been willing to give up his bed. The couch is not very comfortable.

He quietly gets ready and then goes into the living room area to find a book to read. Once he's found something suitable, he goes outside to sit on the front porch and read while he waits for Carolyn. He's careful not to wake Juliet.

Joshua had settled into the empty hut next to Carolyn's. He'd been staying there since he'd arrived, but it had now been made official. He'd hidden the emulsion gun first thing. He didn't want any one finding that.

The second thing he'd done was to fill the bookshelves with books from the Compound. It had been a process, taking several days and it wasn't a bunch of books to the hut and then back again. He'd read through several before picking and choosing the ones he wanted to further study. There was still room for more books, but he was satisfied with what he'd chosen thus far.

He'd tried Carolyn's coffee. It was certainly better than what he'd had on the Mother Ship. He hadn't acquired the taste of it, but he hadn't written it off yet either.

And he'd found something to do. Understandably there'd been a test. He could have easily lied and picked any medical school from which he'd gotten a degree, but Joshua wasn't a liar. And lying wasn't necessary. He'd taken the verbal test and passed and now he was going to be working two clinic shifts. It wasn't much compared to his previous life, but it was something. It was better than sitting around contemplating all this new free time. It was contributing.

This morning, he'd gotten up with the sun. Since he'd arrived, he'd walked up to the Compound in the morning with Carolyn. There was always coffee involved. This morning, he was sitting on the porch, waiting for her, reviewing a large medical book.